Speaking up can be difficult especially if you are shy, unsure of yourself, or come from a family or culture where it is inappropriate to speak up.
When we don’t speak up we can feel frustrated, marginalized and underappreciated.
But there is hope for the assertively challenged among us. Overcoming fears of speaking up are made more possible by an “assertiveness formula” outlined by Robert Bolton in his book “People Skills.”
Here’s the three-part formula that professor and consultant Andy Molinsky uses in his teaching and training:
- Start with a short, simple, objective statement about the other person’s behavior. For example: “When you interrupt me during meetings” or “When you take sole credit for the work we’ve done.” Your goal here is to get the other person’s attention and, in doing so, minimize their defensiveness. The statement should be short, to the point, and evenhanded.
- Describe the negative effect that this behavior has had on you. Explain why the person’s behavior is causing a problem. For example, if the first part of the formula is “When you continually interrupt me during meetings,” you might then add, “I don’t get a chance to voice my opinion.” The goal here is to build a cause-and-effect logic.
- End with a feelings statement. Here, you want to indicate how their offending behavior has not only negatively impacted your actions but also hurt your feelings. An example of a feelings statement might be “I feel marginalized” or “I feel underappreciated.” Adding this element makes the assertiveness message as a whole that much more powerful.
Keep in mind this formula is no guarantee against further infractions and negativity. Rehearse delivering your message assertively, but also remember to meet any resistance with calm and confidence.
Being more assertive and candid is genuinely difficult. Practice the formula, tweak it to your own style, and then use it.
Share your ideas. Voice your opinions.
Speak up, not only to add value, but also to be recognized for the value you add.
Have a great week.
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